20th June 2026
I think this has been building up within me for some quite time but i have a need to be able to let go of everything and stop fighting every thing , to just let things breath and most of all let the universe come back to me. maybe it is time to let the universe decide my fate than consistently trying to do something as i think i need to save myself.
I have always had to save myself , lots of people i know do not even try and things just come to them but i have had to work at it. Maybe i miss things as i am working and thinking too much. Sometimes it feels like i might of signed up to this before i was born , sometimes in self pity i even blame that someone has put a spell on me but i do feel enough is enough of grasping and maybe the universe is waiting for me to surrender.
I think surrendering is a difficult process as the demon knows that if its not authentic he shall keep on poking you. At what point do you really let go ?
I think that finding gratefulness in what we do have helps ground ourselves when our minds start to grasp and push.
I decided that my online art shop was just doing work for the sake of work as nobody is even looking at it never mind purchasing. That some of the work i have put onto my shop i do not even want to sell as it is for me pure consciousness and a conservation with the divine. I felt relief i took the shop down and felt i was trying too hard and its time to receive something back or not !. If people want to buy they can ask , and if i become more recognised or desired then i can make changes to meet with that. I am giving up forcing as i it feels desperate and i still have an un-faltering feeling that moving here is a beginning and not an end and my constant grasping is a familiar reflex which need healing.
Letting go of the shop created a deep insecurity in me which i was curious about as at this moment the financialy security blanket of the online shop is false. In this insecurity i began creating an idea to sell herbal teas on Branacos in a surge of un directed chaotic energy into trying to save myself. Maybe i have to do something else than painting to live but i think i need to let go of my insecurity and just be for a while and see what is underneath all of this , a unseen turbulence of over trying and forcing things. I think i am seeking to be able to stop trying , stop pushing and scrabbling with everything i have as i think that i am doomed if i do not. I know depression lies within this constant striving without outcome and the antidote is you have to drop everything and see what catches you. To trust !
The rain has not helped with my finding something else to paint as plein air which is not overwhelmed by midges due to the dampness. However , with my daily watercolours i have found some techniques which may work well with rock outcrops , crags as we call them in the UK. They have similar appeal as upturned tree roots as the remind me of entities watching over nature. A hidden energetic force within their stillness. Hopefully when there is a break in the rain i will be going out to experiment.
On my search for trees in Kielder and Northumberland National Park i found a new place , hopefully a place i can cover for 2027 which is about 3-4 mile walk from my home across some spectacular scenery , i am hoping i am there today as it is is forecast clear on Saturday and for a few days more but one just cannot guarantee this at the moment. I will let you know next week.
Stella is doing well , at the meantime Pumpkin is not coming but i am not sure how long that will last. Django was asked to leave after stealing food by Stella and he just went , i am very proud of her as Django is built 3 times larger and more kin to a sherman tank than a cat : however , he is a likeable sweet thing, a gentle giant, and is besotted with Stella. I think Stella quite like him too but keeps quite aloof when i am around.
Bakethin Nature Reserve
It feels like you are finding new waves of colour to surf each time you look and if your mind is elsewhere you miss out on an amazing ride which is free to you ; gifted to you with love and care . This is where mindfulness and the art of noticing help you soak in its awe. When you do , breathing out its wonder is the reciprocity nature holds dear. To be seen , to be cared about and to shout out into the world.
Wonderful delicate pinks , crimson lanterns , pretty yellow stars compliment the wash of yellow buttercups and soon to come white daisies. But beauty does not just exist in this , thats an instagram illusion , it exists in all transitions of life . When you see this you there is no going back , the world becomes vibrant.
It is about savouring each moment as the most delicious thing you have ever tasted. It is not just your eyes , mindfulness practices brings you closer by noticing the whole through your body and senses. Of course even when you photograph nature you need to connect to its aroma , its touch and how it is communicating back to you. plants feel and are aware of you. If it were a person you would want to find that twinkle in the eye , the personality or what brings out its beauty. Treat nature as your friend as thats the reciprocity nature wants from you.
I love the end of June , around solstice as there is a transition of energy from spring vitality which begins calmly and intentional towards being outwardly noisy and confident in itself. In July that intention is about becoming with abundance , maturing and giving itself to provide all with shelter and nourishment. What a world it would be if Billionaires and corporation did the same ! But , i feel the energy of June deep within me , it feels like me wanting to bust out of myself and finally become me.
Wandering though Bakethin at this time you feel that intentional confident energy to manifest something i wish i could replicate. You cannot experience this until you calm down that chattering in the default mode of your mind as it doesn’t like you being still as it is not familiar . You cannot experience this if you are chattering way with a friend , do this afterwards as what you think is quiet nature is drowned out by unnecessary thoughts and conversations.
My favourite this time of year is finding stories of nature , collections of nature harmonising together . I feel settled when i encounter it and drawn to its melody.
In the Wild , Painting
Seek your truth
in nature as its
your ancestral
home
christopher evans
Forms in Kielder Forest : Watercolour on A3 Canson Watercolour Paper
Hareshaw Linn
I just got the tail end of Wild Garlic here last year but so blessed to see its wonderful presence this year. The woodland is a ready made cathedral of life. It is here right now , it provides you life , it can inspire you to create , provide hidden wisdom , you can be yourself without judgement there, and if you cherish it will sustain life for your children.
Lean into the green , of course the flowers delight you but it is the green which facilitates it all. It is the green which answers the call of the birds in the spring. It is the green which has endless variance of tone and hue. It is green which frames colour and offer shelter to creatures of the woodland. It is green which holds your ancestral heart and that you are more forest than suburban.
Although the delicate offer you dreams of heaven it is the sturdy which connects to our humanness and resilience in life. Those bold summer plants standing up proud and age with such beauty and grace showing you that you can be strong for some time but its ok to be vulnerable , that it is not weakness when you decline but strength in knowing that you have to let it go for the movement of life.
But still , both capture my attention as it is all happening , you don’t just watch the person with a ball on a football pitch to understand the game. You open your awareness to all possibilities , slow down your mind , concentrate on what nature is showing you to feel connected.
Bull Crag Peninsular
The Blackberries plants are grouping their masses and some forming flower heads. It was the Blackberries that had the courage to waken and look around at a cold early spring but other plants began to follow and multiply with more ferocity and now in the mystical cadence of nature its Blackberry time and those early wee flowers will be covered in thorny bullish tendrils holding the most delicate of flower to produce nectar for everyone.
Clover is coating the verges offering a continual show of colours from purple to white just like candy. I keep on saying it , but a small posy on your window cill brings luck into your home and an offering to a friend delights nature with your generosity.
But , you could add some grasses to your posy as an offering to what sustains all life on this planet. When you begin to look there are so many characters.
Once upon a time , nearly 2000 years ago, there was a band of Roman soldiers sneeking up to a resting highland clan to ambush them and unfortunately for the Romans the aggressive prickly thorns of the Thistle made those soldiers cry out in pain revealing them to the Highlanders and leading the Romans to be killed. The Thistle protected the Highlanders many a time becoming Scotland national emblem.
I do not know why but when i see wild plants and flowers sparking along a path it reminds me of Thomas Hardy “ Far from the madding crowd” It feels like me , it is telling me that chaos can be harmonious and when i let go of my over thinking autistic mind trying to make sense of everything at once i can just let the light in and radiate.just like these plants along the path far from the madding crowd.
