How I began to look.

Between 2017 and 2020 I had the good fortune to meet some people who helped me as I was burnt out , hated myself and tired of life. Their warmth and ideas was aspirational and it brought hope. I witnessed those people wanting to help others and realised that there is something more.

The lockdown closed down my construction estimating and quantities business of 10 years and I decided to change and find a new life path. I signed up for doing a Masters in Mindfulness, it was not a popular move from my family but I needed something new. Whilst doing this I was painting and walking in nature most days with my camera just wanted to feel something and heal.

The single act of understanding how to properly meditate and creating the space I did not even knew existed in my mind was transformational. The knowledge what our thoughts actually were and that they are not me, was a pivotal moment. But most of all , that Northerner , who spent his life avoiding feelings realised their power.

During my Mindfulness learning I found out that I had a brain condition called “Aphantasia” and other people could actually visualise ( I mean who would of thought of it !) and recall other senses was the most uplifting aha moments of my life. It was not me ! This changed how I perceived everything in the world , my whole world view completely changed that day.

I didn’t have to comply , in fact, do what you need to do in your own way. To explore , to be playful and be curious , to find your own connection from feeling it , to trust your inner knowing and follow it.

The hedgerows and woodlands became more and more vivid in all my senses and I wanted to connect more. I had felt something so deeply with the colours and shapes it felt spiritual and mystical.

I realised that it wasn’t complying with other people telling you how to take a photograph or even make a painting but how it worked for me. I would watch groups of photographers competing with the best sunrise on a beach whilst I was looking at the beautiful marks of the sand or the patterns of the sea breaking on the sand. I realised that the photographs wasn’t about ego , being perfect or the best but to connect and to create memories. I didn’t need to win at anything.

I realised that you can see with your ego or intellect but you can also see with your heart.

I had a choice to change my thought patterns from not being enough to caring about what I take a picture of and in turn that mirrored self compassion. I wasn’t seeing judgement of myself or others but heartfelt connection to what was in front of me. I was seeing nature transforming me and teaching me how to look.

I now paint and take photographs using how it feels and follow my intuition. I use playfulness and curiosity following a mindful path. I love the creative expression and exploration but it’s always heartfelt.

There is no right or wrong , perfect or a hierarchy of who is better just love of nature and to express it to others.

Hareshaw Linn

Due to an amazing 2 months of spring there is so much abundance and with hope the summer continues to be bountiful. Part of my first year is to learn what is there and it has been a difficult transition from a place I knew for 10 years to somewhere I had only visited for my work a few times.

I think now I feel more settled in my new environment as I have 3 amazing places to get to know but also there are two others which I would love to return a few times in a year. The re-wilding project upon near Kielder Head which is its infancy and my Falstone Forest walk as it is from my home , they are both good walks and it deepens my connection to this place.

It is easy just to find the things I know but it limits. Kielder Forest has taught me to expand my compassion and seek its own unique beauty. Its story needs to be told as well.

As for where I live I am loving especially and Stella ( the cat) is loving especially now she is better.

It is great to see the wild flowers and grasses along the paths preceding the woodland but there is something deeper within me which connects when I enter a native woodland. There is spirit and energy which I cannot place but sort of remember from some other time. It is like entering a “deja vu” , the leaves , wood , moss and ferns greet me like they once knew me before. There is a feeling of something other which wants to say hello but dare not. I had noticed this feeling many times before in the woodlands nearby my old cottage but I had never thought too much about it as I always felt at home.

Bakethin Reserve

As usual for me it was early morning and I had time to sit quietly and watch the Ducks feed in the nature pond. Their young were further up the pond which was too far for my lens but I didn’t want to disturb them , I mean who likes being disturbed during breakfast ? It was lovely just sit in silence with them and just and be part of nature.

Just sitting in silence had been something very difficult for me and within 5 minutes I used to be quite fidgety. The practice of meditation helped me settle down my mind more and not be a servant to whatever impulse came in me. Just sit , feel it and be with it. It doesn’t even need to a formal meditation it is more like listening to music , the music of yourself sat in nature.

There is still colour but it is beginning to dwindle although there are pockets of gems still to find.

To me , there is something quite exquisite when flowers are dying back , they do it so elegantly and with self compassion. They are not ashamed of themselves and gracefully return back to the ground ready for the next year. I think when we realise ourselves of our own innate resilience and that life is a cycle we can feel the same hope and shine more.

As the footpaths return back after the display of colour this year I wonder what will come next . I am also really excited about what August brings for the woodland floors , the clover has spread everywhere and I am curious to see how this manifests, there are ground plants filling in dips and crevices concealing the moss and small saplings dotted in places. I am looking forward to the changes of colour of the ground and how the lichen and mosses will react.

It feels like the sea coming in , filling the space and then receding outwards revealing itself but the tide is yearly.

I am also really excited that maybe I can explore even more deeper with my new Macro lens and see what unfolds. Maybe some new stories to show you. I will be going before this Saturday diary as a practice run.

Bull Crag Peninsular

Who is looking forward to go blackberry picking ? I used to go with my parents to make jam and my mum made the most delicious blackberry pie , yummy hot with vanilla ice cream but my Dad preferred custard. I like custard but not as much as Vanilla Ice cream , I am not much into sweet things but I love the feeling of ice cream.

They also make great Ink and Dye too. The flowers are plentiful and berries have been formed ready to grow and ripen over the next couple of months.

It is a privilege to be able to watch the plants expand and grow , turning to flowers and then that sumptuous purple berry ripened and ready. This is a joy of my adventures each month to these places , to watch the cycle of life and the transition from acquaintance to old friends. I need to get to know the plant before the flower to be ready for the fruit and watching it grow and then recede is beauty itself.

I am not sure this year whether I will make Ink but go down the food route of honouring my Mums death by making a blackberry pie. I may even make individual pies and leave them in the local cafe. It will be the 5th anniversary of her passing so it will be nice to remember through making old memories alive.

I love Robin Kimmerer Wall remarks about natures gifts and they always should be shared and not commodified. There is alchemy in turning a blackberry into a connection by just gifting what you made.

I was thinking about the paths filled from the beginning of June with flowers, how the self perpetuating cadence of nature feels seamless putting on a variety show to attract and that exact moment of change along comes something that’s mutually reliant on. Going as much as possible slows this movement down and I see the intentional but fleeting spaces plus the interludes of the actors preparing for their next show : and what a show it is.

We know how science explains this but do not let that suppress that it is magical . As the Poet Laureate Simon Armitage states that nature is “spellbound , full of wonder and beguiled “ letting the magic create joy which manifests connection creating deep meaningful care for our planet.