Brought you back
Over christmas i had some emerging reflections i think because i had stopped everything and enjoyed space and silence. A story of Kali kept on cropping up. People often describe her as fierce and destructive but when you had to fight Demons who’s spilt blood multiplied them you had to be fierce but the action was compassionate in saving the people. It was not her actions which held my thoughts but how she became lost in her dance which extended to others when she had defeated the demons. Shiva , placed himself on the floor beneath her feet and when she noticed him , her love for him , she stopped her death dance.
We often beat ourselves up for our actions , behaviours and what we perceive we have become. Life can be cruel , difficult and demanding and we become hardened from coping , our minds narrowed and our hearts forgotten. Sometimes we just forget ourselves and quite often we justify our actions as being necessary due to social conditioning.
I know that i lived my life in an automatic Kaliesque dance of life , completely lost all knowing my truest self , hardened, disillusioned and defensive. There wasnt a moment where i just sat in silence and said “this isnt me , this isnt what i am , this isnt a life i want”. It took my life to fall apart and then came Shiva , quite a few times , to awaken my heart to life. Shiva came firstly when i was going to something stupid in the form of a beautiful day , then Shiva came with painting and he came with a lockdown which destroyed my business and a little sparkle of an idea that i could eventually completely transform into something new , more wholesome. connected and more me.
These are transferable names but the story remains the same. It doesnt even have to be a saviour but just something that came into your life just at the right moment which changed how you thought about yourself and brought some awareness to how you are living , your behaviours and thoughts. It can be finding something creative , nature , a person , a pet and it does’nt just have to be one thing.
Shiva laying himself beneath your feet is showing you there is something more , something greater , a forgotten love which we can awaken from and change our dance of life which lights us up.
Bakethin Nature Reserve
Welcome to 2026 in Kielder Forest with my first day being minus 5 and my Robin friend says hello to you all. I was hoping for wintery conditions as this month for all the places i visit are sleeping and there is not much to photograph. Although it is difficult as you want to take photographs you have to let that desire go and just being in its presence is enough. The minimal number of photographs are showing you , its winter , slow down and be with absence and silence.
Being with absence can be difficult for many of us as we are programmed to produce but thats not natures way. Signs of irritation , edginess and grasping manifest as that needing to do something reflex kicks in. Noticing this and begin to learn to sit with it , be curious about it and just breathing out , nothing to do, builds your mindfulness and ability just to sit in silence and enjoy your own internal winter.
I am certainly feeling it too , feeling overwhelmed with actions , grasping at needing plenty of photographs , worrying i have enough art content and these few days witnessing the silence of nature in winter brought an insight that these pressures are self built in my mind. My diary can refect winter by being more sparse as i rest along with the forest , I can re-show art for January and will my world end if i delay my shop or my social media posts are less for a few more weeks whilst i slowly expand into the new year.
There is hardly anything remaining in forms of plants to photograph now but for some hardy moss and heather are so becoming in the frosty conditions and old browned ferns look quite fetching with the white.
I just about caught the sunrise peaking through the trees making highlights on the moss mounds of forgotten trees. In some parts of the reserve where native trees reside they have turned mono chromatic with old light brown grass touched by the frost have turned them grey and in contrast the dark spindly young trees create magic for my eyes. But when you look closely , the trees have nuanced bands and patches of shades of what seems black and white.
In the Woods , Painting
Hareshaw Linn
The paths were full of ice and the Brook running down mainly frozen over , it did not help my camera was having some technical issues from the day before at Bull Crag which meant that my photography production was more sparser than i had hoped for. The good news is a get to go out again next week and i think i just need that time wandering and feeling the reason why i do this, re-build that passion. Having Aphantasia is like “out of sight , out of mind” and after nearly two weeks break i have disconnected. I need that momentum of doing things each day.
So i have re-planned my first two weeks to do photographs and painting and the business plans i had for 2026 so i can sustain this life can wait a wee while longer. I need that connection , re-gained passion and flow to kick start my work.
There are still Hawthorn Berries and hidden in warmer parts of the woodland Fungus still sprouting. The Hawthorn berries on leafless trees nestled between green lichen the complimentary reds pop out like jewels. There is not the same energy of birds and other creatures bustling for the bumper crop of last year. One or two robins say hello but i think most , whilst its this cold , are wrapped up somewhere quite snug in the woods. However , a Deer came passed and watched me take a photograph for a while and then hopped through the deep woodland with so much ease and grace.
Bull Crag Peninsular
I love the moss at this time and so great walking on it , the months of rain has plumped it up and the sub zero temperatures creates a crusty top ; nature has created a massive cake ! The colours of the moss have faded into beautiful tones of greens contrasting against each other.
Small plants have mainly returned back now to the ground and waiting for spring to come. In small hidden pockets there are glimpses of Autumn with dried flower heads some capped with frost. It is my joy to find these , i love photographing little assemblies and stories of plants mingling together.
Those majestic fallen forms of trees with their roots systems laid bare which have become an inspiration for my outside painting are now becoming capped with wintery white.
