Finding our power is a mindful movement of everyday life with a good dose of noticing how things manifest when you do something. When i found out i had something about what some people would say is a defect was firstly an aha moment of “thats why” and then along comes the second arrow of “why me” and that is unhelpful. I would not say my Aphantasia or Autism is a super power but it is blessing (nothing is never wrong with you ) which guides you through life to become yourself.

I had spent a week , perhaps more , working on a painting only for it to end up in the bin. It became an outcome for an exhibition next month and i lost my connection. My mind tries to visualise things which then creates frustration and we go back to the “why me” . I fall into the same trap that i need to visualise to create and people need to like it.

My Aphantasia gives me an ability to be present , no monkey mind , and provides moments of creativity through gesture and discovery. It has always been there even when i was not conscious of it and my thinking mind had covered it up with false beliefs. My thinking mind wants to be like everyone else and doesn’t accept my mind limitations , or better phrased it focuses on what i cannot do rather than what i can, leading to resistance which then turns into sabotage.

When i am in the moment and let everything else go my paintings just manifest by themselves as they were already there waiting. My power is in the moment. my creativity is in the moment . The self belief is trusting myself thats my direction but it isn’t about how my work is received and although i struggle with this.

It is so easy to think yourself unworthy or not capable as your work or your way that you experience life is entirely different and then adapt yourself to fit into this world. There are plenty of people who want to label you and put you into some form of box which separates you from source. But , let me tell you this : some people are better than you at doing something within given set boundaries but you are the trail blazer , the discoverer , this misfit maverick, boundary free which is born of true creation and the world just has not caught up to you yet.

The work isn’t about being popular , or making oodles of money because its trendy or fits into a cultural model but it is evolving and becoming something entirely different. The universe doesn’t know money or fame , it knows creativity , your truth and change to discover and evolve : you are the change and the purpose what is required regardless of being notable. The Devine knows it !

People often look for their purpose but i think that we are the purpose which the universe expresses itself through and it is through mindfulness and the power of the moment in which we can free ourselves and re-connect to source where all the magic exists innately within us.

Hareshaw Linn

Darkened damp days which give a shiver through your body as you wander into the woodland is the story of February , cold , wet and dreary. Compassion is being able to sit with someones difficulty wishing it will get better for them. What if , natures is not about what we get from it but what we give to it ? What if , your warmth is just what nature needs during a day like this. What if your reciprocity is your presence and its a good mental health day for nature being your company ? What if nature needs your love ?

When you come to visit , to keep the woodland company it offers you love back by showing you its beauty and promise of better days to come where life is vibrant and full of abundance. Maybe , whats remaining is to remind you as a friend that even through darkness we are resilient and there are things in your life which have endured just like in the woodland that show us love has existed once before.

To remind us not to obsess about the dreary and look at what we already have which brings tiny moments of delight and joy.

Serenity only exits within us and when we become ok with whatever comes our way then our minds remain still. I like to challenge myself with a nature meditation and have plenty of distractions so that i may anchor with them with joy when my mind wanders somewhere else.

The more distractions the stronger the mindfulness and inner stillness.

Bakethin Nature Reserve

What i love about wandering the woodland is tiny pockets of light that are like a theatre show beckoning you in to find out its story. I cannot resist walking from the path into something unknown , i must admit there is a wee hope of a chance meeting of a mystical being sat waiting and says “ Finally , Chris you made it”

At times i think i have already made it and that i am already in a mystical and magical land showing people its beauty That i am the only one who can see all of this marvel.

Otherwise who would take pictures of old twigs covered in lichen , old brown grass and dormant seemingly lifeless un-interesting trees sat in moss when everyone just wants a wow picture of something spectacular ? Perhaps i am then living in a different world where these are idolised. Or perhaps , i am in love with my madness.

Bull Crag Peninsular

The brambles are sending out their expeditionary green shoots to have a good look around and dip its toes into the up-coming spring. i can sense them saying “ is it time yet ? “ . I have an affinity to Blackberries, my parents did not venture too far into the wild but we went as a family every year blackberry picking which my Mum would make jam and a delicious blackberry pie.

Some say that brambles protect the fairy world entrance but they do protect places for small creatures. Blacberries had a cautionary tale as when Lucifer fell to earth he unfortunately landed on the prickly bush cursing it and should not be eaten after Michaelmas. They have both positive and negative meanings but for myself i hold them in regard , i love that they provide food for nature , love to eat them and make a wonderful ink with a secret colour.

Whilst sat painting in my little found spot in Kielder Forest as i call them , my teachers , i realised that the moss which had formed on the up-turned tree roots looked like “shodo” writing . I began with watercolour experimenting with the Zen Buddhism and mindfulness art of calligraphy. I have wondered about a language between nature and humans for a long while and this feels like a deep connection. What i love is returning every week to the same spot is seeing what i discover about nature and about myself as each time the expression is different .

One year ago i was sat in my Dads empty house with a chair , table and bed feeling quite vulnerable and somewhat fearful of what is become of Stella the cat and myself. I listened to an Alan Watts talk where he elegantly described how a seed must feel buried beneath the ground with the weight of the soil crushing it in complete darkness. When we look back at life it is that everything made sense but looking forward is full of insecurity as we fill our minds full of dread rather than having faith that everything will unfold exactly how it should.

There is sometimes no explanation , maybe a plan devised before we were born that took us through happenings to experience life in a particular way. Twenty years ago i would not of even imagined living in North Yorkshire working for myself let alone looking out of a window with an amazing view of Kielder Forest, Northumberland where i am a painter and write this diary.

I wonder about whether this home is my final destiny or there are new adventures to come . I hope its time for settling and manifesting the right abundance through loving my life. I look towards my teachers sat in the woodlands just being alive with faith.