What is my freedom
I have two decks of Tarot cards , one an Angel deck with “Words” and another is the Major Arcane. I do not use them for divination but only to contemplate what is drawn. The last 3 months I have drawn the same card for each deck. The word “Freedom” and the card “Hanged Man”.
I have been stuck with the word “Freedom” for a while , and what it means to me. I keep going back to being financially self sufficient but it feels predictable and lazy especially when sometimes I get fleeting glimpses of an insight that it’s something much deeper.
I watched a YouTube video of the Taiwanese artist Paul Chiang and I noted his devotion to his work. I saw the freedom he has , it isnt pressure but fluidity of life itself.
I feel that behind my blocks that my Aphantasia is a given freedom not to be attached to what I create as I cannot recall it therefore my next watercolour poem will be whatever comes from me in that moment.
When I was being taught “resilience” we are told that symptoms such as procastination is our psychological system responding to protect us as we believe in our subconscious that doing something will harm us. When my life fell apart I began to struggle to function doing a job I had done for decades and it felt excruciating as I believed that it was work to blame.
I now know that it was a combination of not being able to make boundaries and the fact I what I was doing was more about expectations of others rather than the truth of me. I knew out of insecurities I over worked and was taken for granted then manipulated but it was myself who allowed it.
It is common to make excuses for yourself like “ I can only afford to do a few paintings a day” : It works , right ! Our subconscious mind creates stories to protect us and it’s pretty damn convincing when it adds a feeling to it.
It feels awful and it doesn’t take too much for me to say I have done enough and then feel a surge of anxiety that I am not doing enough. This isnt an exercise in how much I can achieve in one day but a movement to free myself and be in the fluidity of life.
Being in the flow of life uses intuition to inform you when you should stop and reflect back. It isnt less is more , but being effective through what feels right in the moment. Somedays you just keep on creating and you are in the flow of abundance and other times you sit back in reflection of creation and or in stillness. The journey is knowing thyself to know what is an illusion and what is intuition.
Like sometimes it’s spring and flourishing and other times it maybe autumn and you are harvesting or even winter and resting but in your own timeline. But we now sometimes even nature gets duped by unseasonable changes in weather.
Mostly for me I have to change the language as the language carries as much toxicity than the action. Word associations belong to those who did not have my best intentions at heart.
I wrote in my journal whilst having a coffee in my local Cafe, Devotion = Freedom. I think devotion is a better word than discipline as I know I am devoted to painting and going into nature to tell its story. But words are just not enough as the feeling remains and without leaning into the uncomfortability with self compassion those blocks remain.
The intention to replace the bad feelings with better ones to cultivate insight and unlock the fluidity of life by creating space between the things which carry weight to lighten them up.
My Freedom is being free of a mindset which limits me
My Freedom is being fluid with life
My Freedom is devotion to my truth
What is your freedom ?
Have you thought about what is your Freedom and have you challenged this thinking that maybe it is something deeper ?
Is there an insecurity which blocks you ?
Do you tell yourself stories why you should not do something ?
Have you wondered about you language and how you use it ?
This to me is the “Hanged Man” as it’s about getting to your truth by looking at yourself in a different way. Our minds predict from what is usual for us , inbuilt without question creating automatic responses from reasons that the origin maybe not yours
Transformation doesn’t have to be something so profound as crashing everything in your life but understanding through mindfulness work on your thought patterns It is about questioning and being curious about how you react to things with a good dose of closely looking at the language you use on yourself and to others. It is about being playful and trying out things to see what resonates with you.
It is like using your less dominant hand to draw with to see what will come out differently as you're stuck drawing in a particular way. The “Hanged Man:” is upside down !
Freedom is a Verb
I watched a video of the Cuban political artist Edel Rodriguez who said freedom is a verb , something we practice and not take for granted.
I was concerned with writing about “freedom” when so much horror and injustice is happening in the world No-one should diminish their own personal experience as in comparison others are suffering more.
The journey of self compassion is being able to extent compassion to others. from the heart with goodness and truth.
Self compassion is radical as it opens the heart to others and teaches us that truth matters ; it powers our courage.
Everything begins from within and how we feed it. If we feed our attachments with ignorance then our minds will create a reality of hate , jealousy and then we are blinded by everything else. If we challenge ourselves with awareness and self compassion as we want to understand ourselves , take care and grow then those attachments lose their potency.
Self compassion is a tool we use to stand up to say we want kindness and goodness as that’s what we want for ourselves.
Freedom is also to me wanting a better world where there is goodness and truth that we care for each other and lean into our differences as it is those which make us stronger and wiser.
Bakethin Nature Reserve
Change is nuanced during June and July when there is a display of flowers. The flowers are constantly changing but it is difficult to see as the whole looks the same. But now , the change is profound as we see flowers drying out , transforming from one form to another.
There are still flowers emerging but August becomes a pivotable month in the cadence of dying back rather than growing. Everything seems like it is slowing down as that vibrancy of colour fades away like watercolour on absorbent paper.
Seeing beauty beyond societal perceptions opens the heart to the awe of nature so go out and look for beauty of drying flowers or grasses.
An old dried flower head is as beautiful as when it is in its full glory of colour vibrancy , it is just different.
I had been trying for quite a while to get an image of the amazing burgundy Moss contrasting other Moss colours and forms and my new lens has allowed me to begin a new form of capturing nature. I think it needs work but I love what I captured. Sometimes , it is going small which provides the sense of feeling you get when you pass it in nature. The information you perceived gets washed away in too much information and you lose the feeling you thought you had captured whilst there. Look more closely to nature when you are out , investigate it , be curious about it and that feeling of a place deepens.
Each year when the mushrooms start to show up it feels like coming home to me. There is gratitude of life , a sense of relief and feeling of homeliness. It also a reminder that there is a lot more to life which we don’t see that is essential for nature.
I love these delicate Ferns , I think they are “Hard Fern” but I have not seen them before so a bit more investigation is needed. Their unfolding was delicate and came some time after the bigger ferns had formed themselves. My initial thoughts about Kielder Forest not being diverse enough than native woodlands has once again proved wrong; a whole new world has opened up but it needed patience and curiosity to find things.
This time of year when things begin to change form and reveal their structure is fun for me. I see nature drawing lines and making abstract pictures of shapes. It takes time to open your mind and find this in nature but when you do everything just reveals itself. Finding beauty takes work , nature is not going to share itself that easy but taking time just looking opens up a new dimension to what you see and perceive. Your experience of nature intensifies.
Hareshaw Linn
The Raspberries are at the juiciest and those little red baubles scattering the almost green verges between the paths and forest are everywhere. In some Native American languages their word for Berry literally means Gift. I just want to find as many ways to photography them in different ways. Feeling the abundance of something is connecting to it and mimicking it through the joy of finding them and taking pictures of them…. well erm , perhaps a few tastes too.
I love Elderberry , I love the stems and little berries it forms. It makes a beautiful ink with so much ease and has a little mystique to it with an alternative colour using different alkali papers. Used to dye cloth and countless medicinal uses it was once held as the queen of herbs.
This is a mystical tree associated with Goddesses and is a Goddess itself offering gateways to other realms. It is associated with teaching about understanding that we are all have our own perspective and preferences in life and through kindness we can understand each other.
What I did not know about Elder is that its use for Woodwind instruments. Flutes and whistles date back 50,000 years or even more. I wonder whether our ancients were mimicking nature sounds in reverence or to attract , maybe they found each other through sounds in a dense forest. It has been on my mind for a long time to take a simple whistle or drum into the woodlands to play to feel what it’s like.
Stories are lost now on most people which loses that deep affinity to nature and what it teaches in life. I think that plants and trees should have new stories for the modern world so we may engage once again in the power and wisdom of plants which have been on this planet so much longer than ourselves.
Walking through the woodland now most of the flowers have disappeared but it has a warm , serene and welcoming energy. A place of sanctuary during those really hot days.
But be aware as there is always something readying itself for an unexpected show. A few buds neatly hidden and then next time an explosion of colour once again to surprise you.
One great simple way to connect to nature is just sitting and settling yourself in breath and just feeling the energy of a place each month. Nature is more than perceivable senses such as sight , sound and smell. A place has its own vibe going on at different times even daily and during different weather.
Go into your natural place and just sit with it , become it and experience it as a whole.
It is in the feeling that you can truly connect.
Bull Crag Peninsular
Think I am giving out a Raspberry vibe which the child within me is giggling remembering the Two Ronnies on TV. For you younger and not from the UK it was a ridiculously funny sketch “ The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town” written by Spike Milligan. I think there are Youtube clips.
There is so much contrast between the areas along the lake and within the forest. The outer area energies are chaotic with almost every conceivable scenario of budding , vibrantly showing and transforming to the point of ready to die back. Everywhere you look something is happening that August is so multi dimensional that it is hard not to feel it.
The Heather where it has flowered is sparking in the sunlight and is as beautiful than a whole moorland painted in purple.
New yellow flowers in patches have emerged from nowhere whilst white daisies petals have given to the wind leaving little balls of yellow.
I have always loved the Knapweed when the purple flowering heads turn into balls of cotton it is like these plants are blessed with a second coming during its short life. The trees and foliage create patches off differing light, changing the cadence of flowers and dying back that it often feels like a roll of movie film flickering between riotous colour to almost gone and back again.
Weather dependent I am off to see a Heather Moorland and have a wee walk. I think it would add a different layer to my Diary by adding one or two places to visit in Northumberland. I am more interested in seeing what is there and how it feels rather than directions on a map.
Thank you for reading
